How Validation Became My Addiction Before Alcohol Ever Did

Kim McKenzie

May 16

3 min read

The Addiction No One Saw

Long before alcohol entered my life, I was already addicted. Not to substances. Not to attention itself. But to what attention made me feel about myself.

Seen.

Wanted.

Valuable.

I was only twelve years old when I began learning that being attractive could change how people treated me. Almost overnight, I went from being an unnoticed little girl to receiving approval, compliments, attention, and admiration. And although it felt exciting at the time, something dangerous quietly took root beneath the surface. My worth became tied to how others responded to me.

I didn’t know it then, but validation had become emotional oxygen.

When Appearance Stops Being Appearance

What makes validation so addictive is that it rarely feels harmful in the beginning.

It feels empowering.

People smile more.

They notice you.

Compliment you.

Want your attention.

Approve of you.

For someone who has felt invisible, rejected, insecure, or emotionally unseen, that kind of attention can feel intoxicating. What I could not understand as a young girl was that I had slowly stopped seeing appearance as something I had and started believing it was who I was.

If people approved of me, I felt secure. If they withdrew approval, I felt diminished.

Without realizing it, I had handed other people the power to define my value.

The Hidden Fear Beneath Validation

The problem with building identity on external validation is that it creates fear.

Because if approval gives you worth, then losing approval feels like losing yourself.

That fear quietly drove many of my early behaviours:

controlling my weight
obsessing over appearance
pushing myself physically
needing attention
craving acceptance
fearing rejection

What looked like confidence on the outside was often insecurity underneath.

And this is where many destructive patterns begin. Not because people are shallow or vain, but because the human heart was never designed to build identity on unstable things.

Beauty fades.

Attention shifts.

Relationships change.

People disappoint us.

But when our identity depends on those things, anxiety becomes inevitable.

Why Validation Can Become Addictive

Validation can affect the brain and emotions much like other addictions do.

It temporarily relieves feelings of:

shame
insecurity
loneliness
rejection
invisibility

For a moment, approval silences inner pain. But only for a moment.

Then the cycle starts again:

needing more attention
more achievement
more reassurance
more perfection
more control

The deeper issue is rarely vanity. It is usually hunger. A hunger to know:

Am I enough?

Am I lovable?

Do I matter?

What I Wish I Had Understood Earlier

Looking back, I do not judge the young girl I was. She was trying to build identity with whatever tools she had available. But I wish someone had taught me this:

Validation is a terrible foundation for identity because people were never meant to carry the weight of defining our worth. No amount of praise can permanently heal shame. No relationship can fully repair identity. No attention can silence insecurity forever.

Real freedom began for me when I slowly learned the difference between being valued and needing validation to survive emotionally. There is a huge difference.

One is healthy human connection. The other becomes bondage.

Closing Reflection

Many people battling addiction are not simply addicted to substances. They are addicted to relief. To escape. To approval. To feeling enough for a few brief moments.

Sometimes alcohol comes later. The deeper addiction begins much earlier in the desperate need to feel worthy.