Bulimia Was Never About Food

Performance Pressure

Another Hidden Addiction

People often assume eating disorders are about appearance.

Fo me, it went far deeper than that.

Food became emotional relief.

Control became emotional safety.

And bulimia became a way of coping with feelings I did not understand and could not regulate.

Looking back now, I can see the early seeds long before I had language for any of it.

I had already begun dieting around the age of eleven or twelve. What started as “healthy control” slowly became obsession.

Around the same time, my body was changing, people were noticing me more, and I became deeply aware that approval seemed connected to how I looked.

Then another thing happened that fed the same cycle.

For the first time in my life, I was chosen.

Running to Be Enough

At school, sport mattered enormously, especially in Zimbabwe. Until then, I had never particularly excelled at athletics, so when I was selected for the cross-country team after placing fourth in the trials, it meant something to me emotionally.

I finally felt good at something.

I finally felt seen.

I was finally included.

The praise was intoxicating because underneath it was a deeper belief:

Maybe now I matter.

So I pushed myself hard.

Very hard.

Running became more than exercise. It became tied to achievement, approval and identity. I trained obsessively, determined to prove myself and terrified of losing the feeling of being valued.

What nobody could see was that the same drive that pushed me to excel outwardly was slowly destroying me inwardly.

The Secret Cycle

By the end of my first senior year, another girl taught me how to make myself sick after eating. That moment changed everything. Very quickly, overeating and purging became compulsive. I would promise myself I would stop, but once I had eaten, panic would rise inside me and I felt unable to keep the food down.

People who have never experienced bulimia often struggle to understand it because it appears irrational from the outside. But bulimia is rarely about food alone.

The binge temporarily numbs something emotionally.

Loneliness.

Pressure.

Fear.

Shame.

Inner chaos.

Then the purging creates another feeling entirely. A false sense of relief, release, even emotional cleansing. For a few brief moments, it felt like the unbearable feelings had been emptied out along with the food.

But they never truly left.

They always returned.

And so did the cycle.

High Functioning and Deeply Unwell

The frightening thing about bulimia is how easily it can hide.

I was still functioning.

Still socialising.

Still achieving.

Still maintaining a healthy athletic figure.

Outwardly, I looked disciplined and successful.

Inwardly, I was trapped.

That is one of the most misunderstood things about eating disorders and addiction in general. People assume if someone looks “fine,” they must be fine.But many people are suffering quietly behind high performance, perfectionism and achievement.

Sometimes the very things people praise are the things masking the pain.

The Need Beneath the Behaviour

It has taken me many years to understand this:

Bulimia was not my real problem.

It was my attempt at a solution.

An unhealthy, destructive solution, but still an attempt to cope.

At that age, I had no understanding of trauma, emotional regulation, shame or identity. I only knew that food could numb me temporarily and purging could make me feel emotionally lighter afterwards.

The running did something similar.

Exhaustion became escape.

Achievement became reassurance.

Control became survival.

When people only focus on stopping behaviours without understanding the pain beneath them, healing becomes very difficult. Because behaviours always serve a purpose, even destructive ones.

Learning Compassion for the Girl I Was

For years, I judged myself harshly for those struggles.

Now I feel compassion instead.

I see a young girl desperately trying to manage emotions she did not understand while trying to become worthy enough to be loved, accepted and safe. I think many addictions begin this way.

Not with rebellion.

Not with weakness.

But with pain people do not know how to carry.

Closing Reflection

Bulimia taught me something heartbreaking about the human condition:

People will often hurt themselves trying to escape what hurts them internally.

Some use food.

Some alcohol.

Some perfectionism.

Some relationships.

Some control.

The behaviour may look different, but underneath it is often the same desperate longing: to feel okay inside. Real healing only began when I stopped seeing my behaviour as the whole problem and started understanding the wounds underneath it.

This story is part of my personal journey through addiction, shame, identity struggles and the long fight for freedom explored in my memoir: Standing on the Edge: A Fight for Freedom

If this resonated with you, or someone you love is struggling with eating disorders, hidden addiction or emotional pain, you can learn more about the book here:

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