In my last blog we looked into breaking free from negative thoughs through centering. A definition of centering is:
The action or process of placing something in the middle of something else
When I think of centering myself it's because the world around me is not peaceful or calm (or not going the way I want it too). This creates an inner disturbance and I can lose the general peace and happyness I usually feel internally. I like this definition because it reminds me that when I am practicing 'centering' my goal is to 'place' a peaceful self in the middle of the tornado of life's circumstances.
The reason we can find it so difficult to break free from certain thougths no matter how much we pray or read scripture can be due to negative life experiences that leave deep, lasting wounds, leading to subconscious fears and distorted beliefs.
These beliefs can become barriers, preventing us from seeing the truth as God sees it. Without realizing it, we may subconsciously resist the teachings of the Bible, as parts of us strive to protect our fragmented and wounded egos.
Life often presents us with challenges that shape our thoughts, emotions, and beliefs, sometimes in ways we are not fully aware of. As we navigate through these experiences, we can become fragmented, with different parts of ourselves taking on roles to manage pain, protect us from harm, or cope with trauma. Trying to centre ourselves and find peace can be very difficult if there are conflicting parts with in us.
The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model, developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 1980s, offers a compassionate and insightful approach to understanding these parts and their impact on our lives. At its heart, IFS is about healing the divisions within us and reconnecting with our true Self, the core of who we are, which is imbued with qualities like compassion, wisdom, and love.
The Origins of Internal Family Systems
Dr. Richard Schwartz, a respected family therapist, developed the IFS model after years of working with clients who often spoke of themselves as having different "parts" that influenced their behaviors and emotions. He recognized that these parts were not just metaphors but real aspects of the psyche, each with its own voice and purpose.
"I began to realize that the mind is naturally multiple and that is a good thing," Schwartz explained. "When people begin to relate to their parts with compassion and curiosity rather than fear or judgment, they can start to heal."
Schwartz’s insights into the multiplicity of the mind led him to create a model that views these parts as a family within us, each needing to be understood, respected, and cared for. His work has been groundbreaking in the field of psychotherapy, offering a path to inner healing that goes beyond symptom management to address the root causes of our emotional and psychological struggles.
The Core Components of IFS
IFS identifies three main types of parts that form our internal family:
1. Managers: These parts are proactive and often take on roles that involve control and protection. They work to prevent us from being hurt by managing our interactions with the world, often through behaviors like perfectionism, people-pleasing, or self-criticism. They are motivated by a desire to keep us safe but can become rigid and restrictive.
2. Firefighters: When we experience pain or distress, Firefighters step in to extinguish the emotional flames. They often do this through impulsive or extreme behaviors, such as substance abuse, overeating, or other forms of distraction. While their goal is to numb the pain, their actions can sometimes lead to more harm, creating cycles of self-destructive behavior.
3. Exiles: These parts carry the deep wounds of our past—feelings of shame, fear, or unworthiness. Exiles are often hidden away because their pain is too intense for us to face. However, they continue to influence our thoughts and behaviors from the shadows, often driving the actions of Managers and Firefighters in their efforts to protect us from re-experiencing the pain.
The Self: The Core of Who We Are
At the center of the IFS model is the concept of the Self. Unlike the parts, the Self is not burdened by fear, trauma, or negative beliefs. Instead, it is our true essence, characterized by qualities such as compassion, curiosity, calmness, clarity, and confidence. Schwartz describes the Self as the "seat of consciousness," the place within us that has the ability to lead our internal system with wisdom and love.
"The Self is in everyone," Schwartz says. "It can't be damaged; it knows how to heal." This idea is echoed in Scripture, which reminds us of the inherent goodness and strength within us: "For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works" (Ephesians 2:10). The Self is that divine spark within us, a reflection of God’s image, which has the power to bring peace and healing to our internal conflicts.
Larry Crabb one of my favorate Christian writers in his book Healing for Ourselves and Our Relationships says:
"To be known means that you have been deeply and honestly touched by another, and that your inner being has been uncovered and seen. It is the very essence of what it means to be alive."
The Healing Process in IFS
Healing through IFS involves several key steps, each guided by the Self’s wisdom:
1. Identifying the Parts: The first step in the IFS process is to become aware of the different parts within us. This involves listening to the various voices, emotions, and impulses that arise in different situations and recognizing them as distinct parts of our internal system.
2. Building a Relationship with the Parts: Once we have identified our parts, the next step is to approach them with compassion and curiosity. Instead of judging these parts or trying to suppress them, we seek to understand their roles and the pain they may be protecting. As Proverbs 20:5 says, "The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out." By drawing out the deeper motivations of our parts, we can begin to heal.
3. Healing the Exiles: With the Self leading, we can begin to address the pain carried by our Exiles. This often involves revisiting past wounds, offering comfort, and helping these parts release the burdens they have carried for so long. "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32). This process of forgiveness and compassion extends to ourselves, as we heal the parts that have been hurt.
4. Restoring Balance: As our Exiles heal, our Managers and Firefighters can relax, allowing the Self to lead with balance and harmony. This results in a more peaceful and integrated internal system, where each part feels heard, valued, and understood.
The Spiritual Dimension of IFS
IFS is not just a psychological process but also a spiritual journey. As we connect with our Self, we often experience a deeper connection with God, feeling a sense of alignment with His will and purpose for our lives. This spiritual connection can bring about profound healing, as we come to see ourselves and others through the eyes of love and compassion.
Scripture supports this journey toward wholeness and healing. In Romans 12:2, we are urged to "be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Through IFS, we engage in this renewal process, allowing our minds to be guided by the Self—the true reflection of God’s image within us.
St.Teresa of Ávila a16th Century Christian nun wrote in her famous book the "Interior Castle":
"Almost all problems in the spiritual life stem from a lack of self-knowledge."
The Internal Family Systems model offers a pathway to deep inner healing, helping us understand and harmonize the different parts of ourselves. By connecting with our Self, we can lead our internal family with compassion, wisdom, and love, allowing each part to fulfill its role in a healthy, balanced way. This journey is not just about healing past wounds but also about discovering the fullness of who we are in Christ.
In future blogs, I will explore practical ways to strengthen your connection with yourself giving your a deeper sence of peace, self worth, resilience and unlocking the creative problem solving genius God created you to be. I am also going to confess to some of my parts that still need a bit of TLC (Tender Loving Care) when the going gets tough. We are all on a journey toward greater self-awareness, emotional healing, and spiritual growth, uncovering the true essence of who you are in God’s eyes.
If you are interested in more of what I do. There are 4 ways I can help you on your self-discovery journey:
As a counsellor with 25 years experience including my own healing journey I give clarity and focus that brings my clients hope, peace, harmony, fulfilment and emotional intelligence for better decision making, resilience and influence. Read testimonials and book a session HERE.
I teach the life changing Journey to Wholeness Course. With teachings drawn from Optimised Life & the New Psychology taking you week by week on a self-awareness healing journey from the inside out. Find out more and get Extream Traction to reach your goal HERE.
I offer Inner Healing Holy Spirit Discovery sessions to uncover deep insights about yourself, building genuine connections that will quickly remove inner confusion and chaos. Bringing back harmony, peace and hope. Find out more HERE.
I share my own recovery story from addiction, depression and emotional distress and confusion, so that others going through the same know they are not alone. My core goal is to go to war with shame, expose the enemy's plan and bring hope and light to the darkness. Read HERE.
Not sure where to start? Get in touch with your questions and you can have a FREE 20 min chat to work it all out. CONTACT ME via my website or email me kim@aliveingodswill.com.
I did a Holy Spirit Exploration session with Kim, as well as EMDR sessions. The Holy Spirt session was so powerful. I have seen massive changes in my life. In this session, things that normally caused me distress for many years were handed over to God to transform. God has transformed them. Kim is an authority on God's word and her sessions are delivered in His mighty name.
Jennifer Cromer
Read more testimonials HERE.
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